Every time I spend any amount of time with my family, I am reminded of some of the things that caused me to run away. No, I didn't literally run away, but I escaped. Although the environment was loving (mostly), the conditions were, by no means, healthy. Everyone has issues they carry. When I spend time with my family, it seems to shift my perspective on my own issues. It kinda gives me insight to where they all stem from and where I'm headed with them.
I know I often appear rather high strung. I have become increasingly aware of this fact, although I'm still at a loss as to how I might resolve the situation. Maybe using smaller words...
I feel like a ghost in my own house right now. The emptiness isn't really in the house though. It's in me. Somehow the image of the tin man from The Wizard of Oz comes to mind. He was found rusted in the woods on the side of the road though. I'm still busy rusting in the middle of nowhere. Both of us are, at any rate, metaphorically hollow. Some say I need faith, or some sort of religious direction to fill the void. Perhaps. But my mind is steeped with questions that seem too hard to answer. They overwhelm me to the point where I want to disappear altogether. What a pitiful cry for help.
On a different note... I was promoted to a keyholder position today. I wasn't all that impressed with the numbers but finances will be a bit less of an issue. Is this success or enslavement? Suddenly it just occurred to me that I've never actually asked myself how I want to live in this moment. I don't have much choice if we're talking minutes or even days, but what do I want to do next week? A date maybe? A hike or even an art project? How bout making some actual "me" time? No more therapy sessions, no self-involved conversations. I need to learn to listen and chose my words wisely. On that note I suppose I should head to bed.
Originally posted Friday, March 3, 2006
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